A day in the life of me

The Great School Debate

2009-02-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

OK so this is what consumes an embarrassing amount of my mental energy these days; what to do about school. Right now is registration time for next year so I am needing to make a decision. I have to remind myself that no decision is permanent and that we can change paths at anytime. In this post when I say "school" I actually mean our local Montessori and when I say "homeschooling" I actually mean unschooling.

I'm so jealous of the people who are sure and confident about which of the two is right for their child. I'm so on the fence its driving me crazy so I'm going to try and talk it out and ask you all to weigh in.

OK lets get the first big issue down; social skills. While I truly think its possible to homeschool children and have them be socially skilled I have actually never met an adult example of this. Now this said, most adult homeschoolers I know were homeschooled for one of two reasons; they lived so rurally it would have taken too long of a bus ride to get to and from school OR they were fundamentalists Christians being sheltered from the sinners. Not exactly great social situations. Calgary has a large and vibrant homeschooling community (10,000 or so students) and about 80% of Lyric's current friends will be homeschooled. We are very busy socially and it was actually difficult to pare down Lyric's bday party guest list to the 24 kids allowed. I dont think alot of the social skills learned at school are valuable anyway. i.e. how to judge people based on their appearance, gender roles, follow the crowd and fit in etc. I like the idea of being more involved in the development of her social skills and know from observation how awful the current playground culture really is. Its shocking. I regularily hear 8 and 9 year old boys yell at girls on the playgroung "Suck my dick" etc. Recent studies show that by age 10 close to half of girls have already done just that. Not the kinda socialization I'm looking for. Any doubters of how awful school playgrounds are should go hang out near one everyday for a week. Its really really sad. And yet I have the lingering fear that if I homeschool my children they will be "socially awkward."
Next thing; education. I, like every mother, want the best education for my child. I worry that a child like Lyric will receive little individual attention/instruction at school. She is calm, quiet, learns easily etc. These are not the children who get the majority of a teacher's energy. I would say in Lyric's current classroom the teacher spends WAY more time managing behavior than educating. I also think there are major gaps in a public education. There are so many useful skills I was never taught but instead learned about the Russian Czar system. I think so much of what is learned at school is forgotten almost immediately because it was not of any interest at the time it was taught. I also want to keep my children's passion for learning alive. I want them to LOVE to learn. However there is a small doubt within me that I can properly educate my own children well enough to keep all doors open to them. I would hate for them to not be properly prepared for university if that's the path they choose.
Next thing; my own life. As a single mom is it really reasonable or desirable to try and be home with my kids for the next 15 yrs?? What about persuing my career in midwifery? Is that easier if they are in school? Can I stand to be around them all the time??
Next thing; extra curricular activities. There are many many extra activities Lyric would like to be involved in. She has asked for lessons in violin, skating, snowboarding, Spanish, gymnastics, skiing etc. ALl this and she is only 3, so many more things to come I am sure. One thing I know for sure I DO NOT want to be is the mom that spends 3 or 4 hours after school everyday shuttlng from one actvity to another. Everything from girl guides, to music lessons, to sports etc. is available as part of the homeschool daytime curriculum in my city. If something werent available, then the "school day" could be a quieter day so that the evening activity could happen.
Hmmmmmm what else......oh I know commercialization. I hate how commercialized school children seem to be. Ok well most children in general but anywhere you have a big crowd of them it multiplies. The children who Lyric meets at school dont seem to really know how to "play". They just act out tv shows. Seriously its weird. They have pre-written plot-lines and they stick to them. They are agressively marketed towards and I dont like what people want to sell to little girls. Ever really looked at the Bratz dolls or similar?? They are awful. On the other hand her friends who do not go to school seem to be capable of much richer play. They are more imaginative and cooperative etc. They suggest new scenarios and compromise on story-lines. Along with commercialization comes the garbage food that she will see more as normal at school. Anyone who spends anytime with me knows I dont shelter my kids from any kinds of food - including prepackaged crap. I just dont want that to become the only accpetable lunch because thats what everyone else eats.
Ok naptime is over and this is long enough for now. I ask you all to weigh in and help me figure out what to do...............

Bow Chicka Bow Wow

2009-02-05T18:54:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about sex.......
I have been involved in several conversations over the past few days about post-partum sex. Some people asked if I thought co-sleeping damaged the sex-life of new parents after reading my last post. My honest answer is a definate NO. The number one thing that make new moms less interested in sex is being too tired to do it. CO-sleeping really does increase the amount of restful sleep you get as a new mom. If you are uncomfortable having sex with baby in the same room or bed it forces you to sneak around and be creative. You go back to having sex in the shower, the living room, the kitchen counter etc. Instead of a crib put an extra double bed in the baby's room and have a "festivities room." There is a new level of excitement, not just doing it the same old way in your bed.
Another reason woman lose interest in sex is dealing with all the physical changes that come with pregnancy and birth. The average post-partum figure is our society's best hidden secret. I honestly had never seen another woman's body who looked like mine a few months after givng birth. My idea of normal is the pictures i saw in the tabloids as I waited in line at Superstore. We have become obsessed ith how quickly celebrities "shed the baby weight." I didnt realize what stretch marks could look like. I didnt consider that skin doesnt just snap back into place. I felt ugly and ashamed by my post-Lyric body. My belly looked kind of like a balloon that had been left on a heat vent. Shrivelled up and wrinkled and slightly rounded. How's that for a visual?? Luckily I stumbled upon the website www.theshapeofamother.com and it changed me. I got to look at hundreds and hundreds of post-partum bodies. I was shocked. I was normal. I was.......beautiful? Maybe. I want everyone who reads this to check out that site. It's FANTASTIC. If you struggle to feel sexy because of how pregnancy changed your body, spend a half hour a day on the website. Everyday. Until you start to feel different. I haven't posted my own pictures yet but I will. I'm getting close to being brave enough. I look with my daughters and point out how beautiful all the women's different bodies are. You can only say those things so many times before you really start to beleive them. Maybe I will really overshare and post some pics of my belly here. Who wants to see?
Another little known post-partum secret is the newly sensitive g-spot. This is not something I've EVER seen written about so I'm gonna tell you about it. Amongst my friends, those of us who had natural vaginal births the majority of us saw a HUGE change in how "reactive" our g-spots were. Like a little gift from the baby for letting it pass by. My theory (since I haven't been able to find anything to read about it) is that in the process of birthing your cervix and vagina both change shape permanently and this puts your g-spot in a more prominent position. Whatever makes it happen its great!
Now me being who I am I have to put in a plug for home-birth and midwives. I really believe that for me sex got better after each baby and the same is true for many women I know. Others though, who had traumatic hospital births that involved tearing, or worse cutting, forceps or vaccums ended up with painful scar tissue that has ruined their sex life. My midwife was very concerned with keeping me "in-tact" and for that I am soooooooo grateful! She sat at my bedside with a crockpot full of warm oils and rags and massaged and supported all my tissues as I pushed my baby out. She didnt yell and count at me to push but encouraged me to go slowly and according to my urges so that I'd have time to stretch. I had two ten pound babies naturally with no stitches and no painful scar tissue and that alone is reason enough to consider a midwife.
Wow this is not quite the post I set out to write but am going to publish it anyway. Sorry if I've scared any of my readers off!
Tomorrow Renee I'll tell you about the circus.

I'm baaaaaaaack.

2009-02-02T18:53:00.000-08:00

Ok so many people have encouraged me this week to take up blogging again even though I was rather lazy about it the first go around. So if you read this - leave a comment and let me know. Also ask me question, give me topics, and tell me what you want to hear about. I have opinions and advice on pretty much every subject so throw it out there.
Today I'd like to ramble a bit about parenting.
Becoming a parent is mindblowing and crazy and nothing you can say can describe it. When I was pregnant with my first I felt my heart crack open and every hurt, every love, every emotion was always right at the surface. It was scary and intense and I didn't know how to cope. Becoming a mother without my mother meant I needed to mourn the loss of her all over again at a deeper and sadder level. For the first time I understood what I had truly lost. What I was to her, what she could have been to my children. I saw how much support other new mothers got from their parents and cried for myself. This took me a year to process and changed who I am. In a good way - eventually.
I decided early on that I would try to parent by instinct and not by research. I figured if you went against your instincts and always looked for answers in books you were screwed. Now this doesnt mean I havent read any parenting books and I have read a million studies on every parenting topic (it just sort of happened ) but I take them all as opinons/ideas and put my instincts first.
One of the major parenting topics of the first year is sleep. Its all consuming if you let it be. Everyone asks you about it. Constantly. I asked myelf during pregnancy where my instincts thought the baby should sleep. Without a doubt, anywhere but next to me in bed felt wrong. (for me) I just couldnt imagine a human baby was supposed to be 20 feet down the hall for half the hours in the day. Turns out research backs up this instinct. Babies who sleep with their mamas breathe better, regulate their temperature better, grow better, and cry less. Also as a committed breastfeeder it made my life MUCH easier to just put my nipple in a baby's mouth and go back to sleep. I can't imagine how tired mothers must be if they get up, walk down the hall, sit up while feeding and then have to take baby back to the crib. Not for me thanks. I also nurse my babies to sleep. Its easy, it works for both of us, feels beautiful, and makes bedtime enjoyable.
BUT around 9 months old with Lyric I started to question all this. Everyone else I knew had babies who slept by themselves for 12 hours a night. Lyric was still in with us nursing a few times a night. They had all done some sleep-training involving babies crying it out alone. They all swore by it. At some point I caved and took all the laundry out of the crib down the hall (it was the best laundry basket ever.) I put Lyric in the crib and let her cry. I stood outside the door crying myself. It is entirely against your instincts to let a baby scream for you and not respond. The next night I left the house while she cried because I couldnt stand it. That night we had a good long talk and BAby DAddy said he thought if I couldn't stand the idea of it then we shouldnt be doing it. We didnt like the idea of teaching our child she couldnt rely on us for 12 hours a night and that she shouldnt communicate her fears and discomforts because they would be ignored. Back in our bed she came. She was just over 3 when she moved out for good. She is still welcome at anytime but almost never comes in. I feel like it was 3 years very well invested. SHe is now a child who has no negative associations with bedtime. She goes to bed and to sleep quickly and easily and on her own. She sleeps 12-13 hours straight every night. I am still friends with people who did early cry-it-out sleep training and for the most part they now have 4 year olds who are worse sleepers than when they were babies. They fight bedtime. They are scared of the dark, of monsters, of other things. They wake most night sand come into their parents rooms and beds. They don't quite know how to fix it and are told it is normal for their age. I know this post comes across as arrogant but it feels very validating to have gone against norms and be judged often for it and have it work out so well. Kaliya is now 18 months old, still nursed to sleep, still co-seeping and I am fine with it. I do look at it as an investment and love that my babies trust me to be there for them day or night.

Ok thats today's thoughts. If you want something more interesting tomorrow please suggest a topic or ask me a question. Have a nice sleep :)

Three going on thirty.

2008-03-06T21:47:00.003-08:00

Lyric says to me in the car today out of nowhere
"If you ever can't come home I'll take care of your baby for you."

me:"What do you mean?"

L:"If you died or got lost I would keep Kaliya as my baby and make her happy all the time. Dont worry about your baby."

I was so caught offguard that all I said was "Thank you." What a deep- thinking little soul I have. And one lucky little baby.

Brain Explosions

2008-03-05T21:50:00.000-08:00

It is crazy what three days can do in a baby's life. Kaliya has learned the following new tricks in the last 3 days:

*say "Hi"

*wave bye bye

*sign "more"

*sign "milk"

*sign "eat"

*sit up from lying down on her own

* almost crawl

* 16 poops in a row on the potty

* tip a cup on her own

* splash in the tub

*walk holding onto fingers

Three days ago I felt like I had a little baby. Today I feel like I better start saving for her grad dress. :(

Happy Birthing Day to Me.

2008-03-04T21:21:00.000-08:00

Well as of yesterday I have been a mommy for exactly 3 years now. Wow. I can remember delivering Lyric into the world like it was yesterday. Perhaps thats becasue L watches her birth story every other day lol. Seriously though March 3rd will always be a proufoundly important day to me. The day I became mommy. I think it strange that birthdays are not a shared day of celebration for the mother and child. Sadly this thought never even crossed my mind as a daughter and it is too late for me now to honor my own mother on my birthday. If you have a mother, surprise her this year with a flower and a card that says "Happy Birthing Day." I can almost promise you your birthday was profound and transformational for her; especially if you are her oldest or only child. Sometime in the future I have alot to write about what it is like to become a mother without your mother around. There is alot for me to say.
On a related note I highly encourage you to see the documentary "The Business of Being Born." It is great and I love the message that birthing is a transforming experience and not just "one day of your life." See it. Then talk to me about it.

Can't blog - still sick

2008-03-03T21:50:00.000-08:00

Sick Babies

2008-03-02T20:36:00.000-08:00

I have determined the worst part of single motherhood. Even worse than the celibate lifestyle and lack of sleep is when your babies are sick. How is it possible to comfort two sick babies at one time??? Lyric is soo soo sick today she has been asleep for 20 of the last 24 hours and has a fever of 104 degrees. (could explain the birthday meltdown yesterday). She cant stand up and has peed the bed 3 times because she cant move. She needs me touching her at all times. Kaliya is only mildly sick in comparison but enough that noone but mommy is acceptable. I've only left their side to pee and even then they both sob the whole time. All I can think of is what if I were sick right now too??? What would I do?? If you are reading this please send positive healing vibes to my babies and strength for me to make it through what is sure to be an exhausting night.

2008-03-01T20:57:00.000-08:00

My highly sensitive child

2008-03-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

I read a book that changed me. It is called "The Highly Sensitive Child" and it describes my Lyric perfectly. As much as I hate to label, no phrase could describe Lyric as well as "highly sensitive". The basic premise is that 15% of the population (across all species; interestingly) is born with a nervous system that works better than average or is more sensitive. Their eyes, ears, tastes work better, they are very emotionally sensitive and notice EVERYTHING. This is a great trait to have in many ways. My daughter points out so many minute and beautiful details of life to me. She notices and remembers everything. She can connect deeply with people one-on-one. She is aware of other people's feelings and is generally kind and gentle. She is very aware of safety and I never worry about her getting hurt or going missing. She learns quickly and gets humour.
It can also however be frustrating and exhausting. Because she notices everything, she finds it hard to ignore little details. Seams on socks, tags on underwear, heavy coats, boots that dont bend enough; all of these drive her crazy and make it hard not to focus on it. She only likes to wear "fuzzy clothes". If these clothes get a bit dirty or wet she needs to change them. Also her feelings get hurt deeply. She likes to observe rather than participate until she is comfortable and gets overwhelmed by lots of noisy kids. I don't think her preschool teacher heard her talk for 2 months.
Birthday parties are tricky. She LOVES to plan her birthday and all the people who will come. However reality can be overwhelming. So many kids, so much noise and then everyone wanting to make her the centre of attention etc. means a meltdown pretty much every year. For her first and second birthday she bawled when everyone sang Happy Birthday. So today (3!) I had them sing to me (after all I gave birth to her). I know after the fact she'd be sad if there was no birthday song but would cry if everyone stared at her and sang. It worked all right - if a little weird. We also didnt open gifts at the party. This was really hard for me as it felt a bit rude but I tell myself it would be worse if she cried the whole time and told everyone she didnt want their gifts. I know how excited she'll be to open her gifts without the audience and plan to take pictures of her with them and send them pictures with Thank You cards. Despite being overwhelmed the second half of the party, by us not pushing it she is already talking about how much fun she had.
It is a struggle for me to accept this challenge of raising a sensitive introverted child with respect and gentleness. I am someone who gets energized by being around people and she finds crowds drain her energy. I try not to be sad that she doesn't love being adventurous and is so cautious of her safety she misses chances for fun. I hate that she is most comfortable in ugly fleece jogging suits instead of the cute clothes I'd have her wear.
I love how much I am growing as a mom as I learn to understand and respect what makes her tick. I have learned to let go of other peoples opinions that I cater to her or am too lenient. I dont put value on her physical appearance and she knows I love her for who she is. I love how deeply connected her and I are and how she points out things about myself I never noticed. I love that she has others in her life that she trusts and opens up to and lives joyously in her own way.
I hope I continue to understand her and grow as her mother.

Giving it another go.

2008-02-26T22:21:00.000-08:00

So I haven't been a very good blogger so far. I think in part its because so much of my life is out there on the internet already, I feel redundant. I post ALOT on a parenting group I belong to and Facebook like a madwoman. Also I feel boring that all I have to write about are funny stories about my kids. Its like when you talk to an old friend who doesn't have kids yet and you talk about your kids for a minute and then they say, "SO what else have you been up to besides the kids?" My mind goes blank and I cant think of anything cool to say at all. I'd love to say, "Oh well I just got back from Africa, bought a really awesome motorcycle, and have tickets to a great show tonight." However I am not Angelina Jolie. My days are about playdough and poop; breastfeeding and playgrounds. I guess I feel a little boring but am trying to be proud of the beautiful life I am creating for me and my girls.
I heard 3 times today that people read my blog so I thought I'd give it another shot. I am going to post every day in March as a challenge to myself. Even if its just a photo or quote of the day.

Here's what's been on my mind lately. Dating. How and when will I go about it???? I really feel ready to move on and share my life with a partner but the timing right now would be ridiculous. Kaliya never leaves me for more than three hours due to the boob factor. Lyric sleeps with me six nights of the week. Then there is the naked dilemma. Getting naked with a new person 7 months after birthing is scary. Mommies are beautiful and glorious and strong but things aren't quite what they used to be. The tummy still looks a bit like someone lives inside it. The boobs are big and round and porn star-like but leak milk if provoked. I think the butt is somewhat wider although still nice and round. Everywhere else (wink) has recovered nicely as far as I can tell. The whole yummy mummy/milf thing drives me nuts. But thats a whole other entry.
Wow so I just realized I started out writing about dating but really wrote about getting laid. Interesting. Perhaps I'm not that lonely but am dreading another trip to Costco for batteries. God I hate that store. Only the nickel sized pieces of free Bagel Bites make it tolerable.
Anyway - I think I'd love some male company and someone to do the boy things around my house but cant see when that will be feasible or even when it is how I'll go about it. Any thoughts???

First blog rant

2008-01-17T18:57:00.000-08:00

Ok so I need to rant for a moment. Never say to a mother of small children, "God you look so tired." Piss off. I am tired, I know I'm tired and you pointing out that I also look like crap doesn't help me out. Seriously what are people thinking. I feel worse for about 2 days whenever someone points out how tired I look.
On the other hand a tiny kind word can last me for days. Here are some suggestions (real things people have said to me ) in case you can't get past the circles under my eyes.
"I love the look on your face when you are nursing your daughter - you look so peaceful"
"Your eyes just light up when you are with your baby."
"You look so natural with that babe in your arms."

If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.
Thank you.

No more free ride

2008-01-16T19:25:00.000-08:00

Cleaning up after your kids gets old fast. Since Kaliya is now an entire 6 months old I figured it's time she pitched in. Here she is washing her dishes after supper tonight. No more free ride. Plus with the labour shortage in Alberta perhaps should could get some part-time work at the greek place down the road. She has alot of free time.

Why two-year-olds are hilarious

2008-01-15T20:54:00.000-08:00

OK so sorry to all my AP friends who already read this post but to everyone else these are some of my favorite one-liners from the last few months.

Lyric wakes up one morning and takes a big deep inhale of our sheets and says, "Mmmmm this bed smells like everyone I love."

That warm fuzzy feeling lasted a few days until:
L "If I had hairy armpits like you I'd shave it off."
M "Why is that?"
L "I'm pretty sure thats the part that makes you smell like an ogre."

L "Mom are you a people?"
M "Yeah I'm a person are you a person?"
L "I'm a person on the outside and a penguin in my heart."
M "I wonder what it feels like to be a penguin in your heart?"
L "Cold and fishy."

L "I love Daddy and Kaliya loves you."
M "I love all of you and think you love me too."
L "I'll think about it and send you an email."

L "I just peed on your floor"
M "WHy?"
L "I forgot I'm not a puppy.

From the bathroom one day , "COde brown code brown someone better come wipe this ass." Honestly I have no idea where that one came from.

And my all time favorite was one night when Kaliya was being a bugger for hours on end in the middle of the night. Frustrated I say to Lyric at about 4am, "Ugh should I just go put her downstairs in the swing by herself?" COmpletely disgusted by my idea she replied, "That idea doesn't have enough love for a baby. Give her to me." So I pass her over and within 10 minutes we are all settled to sleep.

2007 Reflections

2008-01-14T19:02:00.000-08:00

What did I learn in 2007??? Lots and lots I'm sure but here are the first things that come to my mind:
*Two year olds are not terrible they are fucking hilarious
*My brother and sisters are kind and generous people
*Birth can be orgasmic
*No matter how unhappy you may think you are, divorce is really sad
*I have some really good friends
*If you have a friend who is nasty to all her other friends and husband you are not immune to her evilness. Don't kid yourself.
*My body can provide for 3 babies
*If you are willing to ask for help it will be there
*Farts are funny no matter how old you are
*Cloth diapering is addictive (weird I know)
*I leave an impression on people and they remember me
*Days last forever but the years go too fast
* You can be friends with people you are very different from
*Malls are boring and I really dont need to ever go to them
*Coffee keeps me going
*I can be very mature
*I can be very immature
*Penguins are facinating creatures
*There is always a sadder story
*I'm getting older
*I still have a funny and charming side
*Coconut oil is great in cookies
*Moxibustion hurts
*Group therapy is good
*Being around like-minded parents is super important
*I'm a good mommy

Ok thats the list off the top of my head. It was a big year.

Hi all

2008-01-14T18:48:00.000-08:00

Ok so I've decided to start a blog. Just a day in the life of me. Whatever is on my mind is going in the posts so I apologize in advance for the boring nature of a lot of my thoughts. I am going to attempt to write for mysef and not any intended audience. I welcome your comments and thoughts. Here we go........